The Pain He Should Never Know
by AShipperWithNoLife
Summary: Alfred couldn't even begin to fathom all of the pain and suffering Ivan had been through. Sometimes, Ivan envied him for that, but at the same time, he would never wish for him to have a complete understanding of it.


Ivan had been with his boyfriend for two years now, and those two years had been the best span of time in his life. Sure, he still had his struggles every now and then, but the problems that he had during that current point in time, though still very serious problems that needed to be fixed for the sake of his well being, were not as terrible as the harsh times he had to suffer through as a child. Rather, the problems he had now were simply the aftermath of the traumas he had to deal with at a very young age. Things could've ended up being much worse for him. He'd seen proof of this growing up, and he appreciated the fact that instead, he was able to change his life for the better through hard work and dedication. Perhaps he was even a bit lucky.

Now instead of being extremely poor, feeling unloved, and trying his best to avoid danger at every waking moment of the day, he lived in comfort and luxury, and had a loyal companion he could always rely on. For someone who had just reached the age of twenty-four, Ivan made a lot of money for his young age. Sure, he wasn't exactly wealthy, but he didn't struggle financially either, as many young people he came across did (though he didn't always believe it was their fault that they were struggling). Words could not describe how much he appreciated the fact that his hard work had paid off, as the stories he would sometimes hear from others his age about how trying hard in school, or with life in general, didn't work for them depressed him. Sure, these people still had a roof over their heads, along with food to eat, but their lives still weren't exactly what the typical person would consider 'ideal'. They were stressed; they still had many challenges to face in life, and though those struggles didn't amount to what Ivan had to face when he was only a child, he could still feel sympathy for them. To make himself feel better about this, he would often tell himself that maybe they just hadn't found the perfect opportunity yet. These people were still young, there was bound to be something for them.

If there was one thing that Ivan appreciated more than what his hard work had earned him in life, though, it was the fact that he had Alfred. Never had he met a more interesting, charming, and compassionate individual. The fact that he was optimistic about everything in life and was sometimes just plain adorable made him all the more appealing. At least, to Ivan it made him more appealing.

The thing was, he knew of a lot of people would probably be disgusted with Alfred's bubbly personality. Sometimes, Ivan wondered if his boyfriend's charm only affected him, as when the two of them walked together in public, he would often notice some more pessimistic individuals glaring at how cheery the American looked half of the time. The glares never really affected his boyfriend too much, which Ivan was happy about, but there were times when someone his lover knew very well would be in a horrible mood, and would vent all of their frustrations at him. Somehow, they would even manage to make his his happy-go-lucky nature seem like a handful of flaws. Whether it be immaturity, stupidity, or blatant ignorance; anyone who didn't understand his personality would be easily deceived by these made up blemishes, and view Alfred in a more negative light. Sometimes, being treated this way by the people he believed were supposed to care about him really hurt him. He didn't understand why they would sometimes suddenly become so cold towards him, though. He believed that they sometimes just exploded, and that it was his fault when they did. Sometimes, he felt as if he was too stupid to ever figure out why, or how to prevent it from happening in the future.

Some people would understand if Ivan had been apathetic towards Alfred's emotional state after these verbal attacks. After all, he did have it much worse than his boyfriend, and aside from the fact that people would sometimes try to emotionally knock him down, Alfred had been pampered throughout his life. However, Ivan just didn't believe that it was right to be so harsh towards his boyfriend just because he had a better childhood. Sure, sometimes he envied him for the fact that he never experienced the pain that he did, but at least his love didn't rub his horrible past in his face. Besides, they were in a romantic relationship. Wasn't it his moral obligation to at least try to not minimize his boyfriend's problems?

This why instead of pushing his boyfriend away when he became upset and telling him to toughen up, he would pull him into a hug and try to reassure him. He would often tell him that these people who gave him hate were just jealous of the fact that he was happy. He would also tell him that they wanted to drag him down, and that the reason why they were so miserable was because they refused to appreciate the beauty in life, and instead, wanted to destroy it. Being told all of this would always put Alfred in a much better mood. Sometimes, it would even make him smile through the tears and nearly crush the life out of Ivan with a hug. There was even one time when he told his boyfriend, "You know, you're the only person I've ever felt comfortable crying around. Everyone else I've ever dated pretty much told me to get over it whenever I became emotional, and my family members would become impatient with me whenever I had a problem."

Ivan was shocked when he heard his boyfriend say that. The statement probably had to be one of the most flattering things he'd ever heard in his life. How often was it that someone found another person who actually felt comfortable with the idea of being in such a 'degrading' state in front of them? After a few moments of recovering from his shock, he was eventually able to give his boyfriend a smile, and told him, "I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough around me that you don't even feel ashamed of seeming too vulnerable in my presence. It means so much to me. Also, you're so much better than those people who weren't willing to listen to your problems. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your previous partners seemed a little neglectful."

"No, it's okay. I don't mind you saying that about them," Alfred then rested his head against Ivan's shoulder as he added, "I don't think that those relationships would've lasted as long as ours has so far anyways. Those people just didn't work out for me. I'm so glad that I was able to find you, though. We work so well together, and I thought that I was never going to find someone like you."

"And I thought that I was never going to find someone so open-minded and caring."

They'd remained on the couch for a while; silently enjoying each other's company after the touching confession. Cuddling was something that they did often, as the warmth it would generate between them would calm their nerves after a stressful day, or bring about that pleasant fuzzy feeling if they just in the mood to snuggle. They were both very cuddly people by nature, so it worked out perfectly.

Of course, Alfred was always willing to return the favor for whenever his boyfriend was willing to comfort him. There were times when Ivan would either have a nightmare, or think about his rough past, and his love had always been there for him while he was in distress.

There had been one night in particular that made Ivan appreciate Alfred all the more. That same night, he'd had a nightmare where his boyfriend died, and he was completely lost without him. It was possibly one of the worst dreams he'd ever had, and he hoped that a similar tragedy never decided to haunt his dreams again. He'd woke up in tears that night to find himself being comforted by Alfred. A few moments after he'd awoken, his boyfriend had told him in the softest tone he could muster, "It's okay, it was just a dream. You're going to be fine."

Ivan wrapped his arms around Alfred, and after crying into his shoulder for a bit, he told him with a wavering voice, "Fredka, this one was so much worse than the other dreams. And it felt so much more real..."

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened?"

Ivan was silent for a few moments, mustering up the bravery to tell him before finally saying, "I don't want to go into too much detail, but you died in my dream."

Alfred hugged Ivan tighter as he told him, "Well, if this makes you feel any better, you don't need to worry about that happening in real life anytime soon. The chances of me dying at this age are slim. Plus, the doctor said that I'm very healthy for my age. Also, I'm careful about not doing anything too dangerous or stupid, and we do live in a safe town. So please don't worry about that happening to me. I'll be fine."

Though the words were reassuring, Ivan still couldn't help but think about the slim chance that he'd lose Alfred. As much as he'd already appreciated his boyfriend's existence, he'd never really given much thought to what he would do if he'd suddenly dropped dead. It just made him have the urge to protect him against any possible dangers. He wasn't sure if he could ever afford to lose someone as precious as his lover. He'd grown so used to his optimism and kindness, and the positivity that often radiated from his demeanor was enough to make the times when he felt really depressed more bearable. Besides, Alfred was always willing to try and understand his problems, despite the fact that he couldn't possibly fathom the pain he'd been through. Then again, maybe the lack of understanding towards such suffering was what made Alfred so optimistic and bubbly. Maybe it was even the reason why he also found him so innocent and adorable. Even if he was more fragile than him when it came to socializing with others, he wasn't on the verge of being broken, and Ivan felt the need to make sure that his boyfriend never had deal with what he had to go through. He didn't care how many bullets he had to take for him, his happiness and well being meant the world to him.


End file.
